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Determine exactly what concerns you.

Identifying the specific behavior that concerns you is important. Watch for specific actions that result from alcohol or other drug use that are risky, foolish, inappropriate, unhealthy or unacceptable to you. Making assumptions about the cause of any behavior is not necessary or helpful.

Determine whether you are concerned about one incident or a pattern of problem behavior.

Sometimes it’s easy to ignore an occasional incident if the person returns to more acceptable behavior. However, single incidents of unacceptable behavior can lead to serious consequences and can be a signal for you to talk to the person. A pattern of incidents is a clear sign that help is needed.

What should you do if you are concerned?

If it clearly your right and responsibility to talk about specific problem behaviors with a person you care about. By talking with someone openly, honestly, and respectfully, you can put a person at ease and break through the defensiveness and denial that can often occur with alcohol and other drug use.

What should you say if you are concerned?

While there is no foolproof way to share concern with another person, the following ideas have proven to be helpful to many people:

• Tell the person that you care about him/her and that you feel concerned about the ways you see him/her acting. For example, “I love you and I’m upset because I see you doing things that are dangerous.”
   

• Tell the person exactly what he/she has done that concerns you. For example, “Last night you had 8 beers in less than three hours and then you tried to drive home.”

After you tell the person that you care, how you feel, and what you’ve seen, it’s important to be willing to listen to what he/she says. A variety of responses can be expected. Many people will say nothing. They may not have been prepared and will not be ready to talk with you. Some may become angry and tell you its none of your business. Others may thank you and say they’ll make changes in their behavior. And there are still others who may share with you a problem that goes well beyond your ability to be helpful.

• Tell the person what you would like to see him/her do. For example, “If you want to drink when you go out, leave your car at home and take a taxi.”
   

• Tell the person what you are willing and able to do to help. Your responses can include being a good listener, helping to arrange a meeting with a counselor, or telling the person that you will hold him/her accountable for any future problem behavior. For example, “I’m willing to talk with you whenever you want to or feel a need for a little support.”

Remember the best time and place to talk to someone about an important topic is when you feel comfortable and private, when you’re likely not to be disturbed and when you have time to talk things through. It is also important to talk when neither of you has been drinking or using other drugs.

What to do if the behavior continues?

If the behavior that concerns you does not change or if you discover a serious problem, additional help may be necessary. Assisting a person to get the best professional help available is often the most caring action anyone can take. In addition, a variety of self-help groups, including AA and Alanon, can provide help for many people.